Dealing With The Bullies?

Let me start by saying that I'm not writing this to get attention or something like that. I'm just hoping to help some of you who are going through the same thing as I did.

Let's just start with the beginning.

I started (Dutch) high school six years ago and when I left my primary school, I also left my best friends. 

I went to high school with a good friend but she did another level, so we almost never saw each other. This really pained me.

I was put in a class with a few children from my old school, but I was not at all friends with them.

I also need to say that the day before my first day of high school, my grandma had to go to hospital and died 2 weeks later. This was a lot for me, because I saw her a lot. 

I became this really shy, quiet en little girl. Needlessly to say, I became the center of bullying. The problem was, however, that I didn't know I was bullied. I thought I just wasn't good enough and I really did try to change myself, but I couldn't (and I couldn't be happier that I didn't). 

I became more and more quiet until I was sick almost everyday. At the time I did not realize that I was school sick. The only thing I knew was that I was better as soon as my parents told me I could stay at home. I was so happy when I knew I didn't have to go through this that day.

Of course they didn't let that happen too often, but when I went to school I had to throw up and go home. At the worst period, I missed 86 hours of school in just half a year. 

This was obviously not good at all, so I decided, with the help of my parents, to go and see the school's psychologist. 

The other problem I was suffering with, was that I had way to many fails, so it was very likely for me to not pass my year. For many of you, this probably won't be a bad thing, but for me it was the worst. If I had to double my year, I would have failed myself, I would be a shame to myslelf etc. 

The psychologist however made me write down the pros and cons of doubling and I soon found out that there were way more pros than cons. This was in a weird way very encouraging and in the end I past the year. 

She also made me recognize the sort of bullying that was happening to me. I thought at the time, the only way of bullying was calling names and beating people up and that wasn't happening to me. 

She showed me that ignoring and never being included in groups was also a way of bullying. This made me realize that it wasn't necessarily me that was wrong, it also was the fault of the bullies. 

This made me feel so much better.

When I went into the fourth year, the classes were changed drastically and I met some new friends and I had never come home so happy after school. I guess they will never know how important they are for me. They make me feel appreciated and I started, slowly but steadily, to open up and speak again during lessons. (Right now I love discussing about everything and debate with teachers).

Now I'm in my last year and, as cringe this may sound, I can look back at my high school time as a very important life lesson.  

I now come home from school so happy and I go to school with a kind of excitement that I get to see my friends again even if it is only during the breaks.

I guess the message I want to give is for everyone that is bullied: It may be shitty now, but I KNOW it'll get better. Even if it doesn't feel like it now, I know it will.

The other message I want to give is to the bullies: Although you might think that what you are doing, can do no harm, that is not the case. 

For me personally it has lead to the fact that I don't open up to people unless I know them very well. I also immediately have the impression that everyone dislikes me and (if you are a friend that is reading this, probably not but hey maybe) that is probably why I don't look up or stay really on the surface instead of telling you about my deeper thoughts (that sounded really weird, but you know what I mean).

I guess the thing I want to say is, even though you might think you do no harm to anyone, even the little things, like ignoring or calling names, can affect people for the rest of their lives. 

The last thing I want to say is, this is my perspective of things and my story. I know bullying can go to many higher levels, but it affect someone's life anyway and big!

Please tell me about your experiences (if you want of course) and maybe leave some tips in the comments below. 

And to end this post with a positive note: be kind to others and they will be kind to you!

X

Social Anxiety/ Panic Attacks

Hi everyone! 

Today I wanted to just write some things of my mind, so it might not be interesting, but maybe it'll help some of you.

So basically I've been suffering for anxiety for a while now and I just wanted to get a few things of my chest.

So for a while now I've been feeling really anxious around people, just trying so hard to fit in. Because of this I've been getting a few panic attacks lately. 
Basically I was bullied for three years and that kind of ruined my trust in everyone. I used to have a few friends, but later I found out that they were talking behind my back and this just got worse and worse until I wasn't part of anything anymore and this bothered me a lot. I tried and tried to make new friends, but each time I was disappointed and thrown back to the place I started. 
Luckily after the first three years of High school (I think it is High school, I live in the Netherlands so it is a bit different, the classes changed completely and I told myself to be brave and try one last time. So I did and soon I got in touch with 3 people and immediately felt really save. Still I couldn't fully be myself, I was too afraid of loosing the great friendship we built. However I soon found out that I had to be more open in order to get closer to the people I liked. So step by step I opened up and also started discussing in lessons and generally being more with people and being more open to people. 
I now have made a few more friends, but there is still that weird feeling of the need to hold back. When I feel like I get to close to someone, I shut down and try to create distance again, which I will immediately regret afterwards, because I was having a good time. 
But sometimes when I'm not really feeling like it, I just go with it and talk about everything. A few weeks ago, a friend asked me about my anxiety and panic attacks and I suddenly spilt everything. I never did that before, but somehow he got it out of me. It felt so good to be able to talk about it and get it of my chest, just like I'm doing right now. 

My form of panic attacks are mostly when I'm around people I do know, but don't want to disappoint. It is not that I'm really shy (I was really shy when I was little, but not anymore), it's just that I don't want to let someone down. It is a bit weird, because discussing in class and giving presentations are no problem, it is just conversing with friends that is the hard bit. 

I really didn't write this to be pitied of to get attention. I needed to get this of my chest and I hope that if someone reads this, they'll take something away from it. Be it because they suffer from anxiety themselves or if they know someone who does. 

I'd like to end this ramble (sorry for that by the way) with a few things you can do when you feel anxious. These are things I like to do and that help me:

• Listen to (relaxing) music. Just pop some music up on your phone or IPod, so you always have the possibility to listen to something. It helps to calm down and to relax. 
• Try to talk to a friend about it and try to explain what happens with you when you have a panic attack and how they can help you. 
• And last but not least, try to not think about it. It is the hardest thing, but it really helps. I was for example in London on a school trip and was feeling really anxious the whole trip. But a friend and I started somehow talking about YouTube (I think because of my phone background of Joe Sugg). He probably didn't know, but it really helped me relax and think about something else. And I think it was the next day that I was feeling really anxious, but I didn't want anyone to know, because I didn't want to be annoying. But then in the afternoon my friend and I started singing a kinds of song of I think Abba and the Sound Of Music and it really helped to relax and to enjoy my time in London. 

These are just a few tips and examples of how I deal with it, but of course it is different for everyone. 

If you want to know more or if you have any questions, just write them in the comments. 

I hope I helped some of you!

X