Today I wanted to just write some things of my mind, so it might not be interesting, but maybe it'll help some of you.
So basically I've been suffering for anxiety for a while now and I just wanted to get a few things of my chest.
So for a while now I've been feeling really anxious around people, just trying so hard to fit in. Because of this I've been getting a few panic attacks lately.
Basically I was bullied for three years and that kind of ruined my trust in everyone. I used to have a few friends, but later I found out that they were talking behind my back and this just got worse and worse until I wasn't part of anything anymore and this bothered me a lot. I tried and tried to make new friends, but each time I was disappointed and thrown back to the place I started.
Luckily after the first three years of High school (I think it is High school, I live in the Netherlands so it is a bit different, the classes changed completely and I told myself to be brave and try one last time. So I did and soon I got in touch with 3 people and immediately felt really save. Still I couldn't fully be myself, I was too afraid of loosing the great friendship we built. However I soon found out that I had to be more open in order to get closer to the people I liked. So step by step I opened up and also started discussing in lessons and generally being more with people and being more open to people.
I now have made a few more friends, but there is still that weird feeling of the need to hold back. When I feel like I get to close to someone, I shut down and try to create distance again, which I will immediately regret afterwards, because I was having a good time.
But sometimes when I'm not really feeling like it, I just go with it and talk about everything. A few weeks ago, a friend asked me about my anxiety and panic attacks and I suddenly spilt everything. I never did that before, but somehow he got it out of me. It felt so good to be able to talk about it and get it of my chest, just like I'm doing right now.
My form of panic attacks are mostly when I'm around people I do know, but don't want to disappoint. It is not that I'm really shy (I was really shy when I was little, but not anymore), it's just that I don't want to let someone down. It is a bit weird, because discussing in class and giving presentations are no problem, it is just conversing with friends that is the hard bit.
I really didn't write this to be pitied of to get attention. I needed to get this of my chest and I hope that if someone reads this, they'll take something away from it. Be it because they suffer from anxiety themselves or if they know someone who does.
I'd like to end this ramble (sorry for that by the way) with a few things you can do when you feel anxious. These are things I like to do and that help me:
- Listen to (relaxing) music. Just pop some music up on your phone or IPod, so you always have the possibility to listen to something. It helps to calm down and to relax.
- Try to talk to a friend about it and try to explain what happens with you when you have a panic attack and how they can help you.
- And last but not least, try to not think about it. It is the hardest thing, but it really helps. I was for example in London on a school trip and was feeling really anxious the whole trip. But a friend and I started somehow talking about YouTube (I think because of my phone background of Joe Sugg). He probably didn't know, but it really helped me relax and think about something else. And I think it was the next day that I was feeling really anxious, but I didn't want anyone to know, because I didn't want to be annoying. But then in the afternoon my friend and I started singing a kinds of song of I think Abba and the Sound Of Music and it really helped to relax and to enjoy my time in London.
These are just a few tips and examples of how I deal with it, but of course it is different for everyone.
If you want to know more or if you have any questions, just write them in the comments.
I hope I helped some of you!
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